illusion_is_mine

Well this week was exhausting. I think it was mainly because I was recovering from that awful car accident that happened a week ago. I had to go to the doctor this morning for a follow up appointment. I'm not sure why I always make my appointments on Mondays, but I will say that I definitively hate Mondays. The traffic on the highway is always horrible, and people are generally in a crappy mood. The doctor visit went by very quickly though. Everyone there seemed to be in a good mood, and the woman who took my blood started telling me about how she was late this morning, and she was glad that the daycare where she takes her kids was open late. Also I've noticed people have been just coming up to me, and opening up to me which is somewhat strange. The other day my coworker came up to me and started telling me about her father and what was going on with him. I guess I have a more overall pleasant aura about me lately. I'm definitely more positive than I've been in years. I guess that means my medication is working.

I've been feeling somewhat frustrated with my mom about dealing with my sexual orientation. As of now I choose not to identify as a particular orientation because I'm not fond of labels. I guess if I had to pick a label I would probably lean closer to lesbian. I initially thought I was just bisexual, but I don't feel like I am. The frustration comes in to play whenever I try to explain what I'm feeling with my mom, and she says stuff like "But you don't know if you like guys until you try dating them.", and I tried to explain to her that I think deep down I've always known that I wasn't "straight", but shoved in the back of my mind so I wouldn't have to deal with it. When I hit puberty I was worried about peer pressure, and what other people would think if I told them how I actually felt.

I've tried talking to guys, and tried to form relationships with them, but I don't feel anything for them as far as attraction goes. I do enjoy being friends with them, but other than that I can't really see anything else. I think that's always been the case since I was young. I feel like I shouldn't have to justify why I feel the way I do to her. I mean the way I see it you know what gets you off, and you don't have to guess at it. I've tried explaining that to her, but I think it's just something that's kind of hard for her to accept. She knows it will be a struggle as far as my life goes, but like I told her I didn't choose this. Anyway I just thought I'd get that off my chest. I'm not out to my entire family, and honestly I don't know if I will ever come out to them. I think they've always wondered why I've never had a boyfriend, but they didn't consider that I might not like men. I don't want to deal with all the criticism that I know I'll have to deal with if I come out. It sort of sucks coming to terms with something like this at this point in my life. I wish I would have figured it out earlier, but I guess better late than never. I think I kept it to myself for so long also is because I sort of hoped that I was straight because it would be easier (boo heteronormativity.) I guess I was in denial for a long time. It does feel good to finally figure it out though.